Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
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all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
#MeanwhileinCanada
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.