Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
You Might Also Like
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
These are my emotional support Pringles.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I mean…but I did
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.