@DavidSaidNada
@JustHadOneJob
Don’t tell me what to do.
You Might Also Like
@JustHadOneJob
@ArfMeasures
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
@Jesstrat
Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card
@gogglepossum
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
@AtticusFinch79
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
@funflaps
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
@JustDontBugMe
[god creating raccoons]
God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.
Angel: But…
God: Just do it.
@KevinFarzad
When walking behind someone at night, let them know you’re not dangerous by yelling “DO NOT FEAR ME” very loudly
@TuSoonShakur
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
@DevilryFun
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.