@DavidSaidNada

Does anyone ever spiral into control?

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@ArfMeasures

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

@Jesstrat

Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
5. Rope
6. Gas card

@gogglepossum

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

@AtticusFinch79

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

@funflaps

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

@JustDontBugMe

[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.

@KevinFarzad

When walking behind someone at night, let them know you’re not dangerous by yelling “DO NOT FEAR ME” very loudly

@DevilryFun

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.