Don’t tell me what to do.
Does anyone ever spiral into control?
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ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Things I need now because of Twitter:
1. A cat
2. A beard
3. Printer for Avis
4. Duct tape
6. Gas card
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[god creating raccoons]
God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.
God: Just do it.
When walking behind someone at night, let them know you’re not dangerous by yelling “DO NOT FEAR ME” very loudly
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.