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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake