Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.