Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
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Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.