Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?