does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
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Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
fourth time’s the charm
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Twitter is an abusement park.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.