does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
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Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out