Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!