does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
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Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Vodka burrito was a success
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival