Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
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problems i need
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
And bowling should be called pinball
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”