Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?