Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

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*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?


Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.


me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on


Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either


when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..


SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you


I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.