*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
You Might Also Like
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
The Onion called it…again.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.