Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
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I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
We all have our pet causes.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.