Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
You Might Also Like
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
🤣
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*