Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
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“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
May have had one breakfast too many
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Bringing back this classic
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3