@ieatanddrink
@GrimReaperInc
Men: We’ll never understand women.
Women: We’ll never understand men.
Dogs: We’ll never understand cats.
Cats: We’ll never understand dogs.
Raccoons: We’ll never understand why you’re throwing out all this great garbage.
You Might Also Like
@GrimReaperInc
@NicCageMatch
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
@sug_knight
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
@kumailn
Just ate a glazed donut flavored protein bar. It tasted like someone describing a donut to me while I shove sawdust into my mouth.
@sofarrsogud
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
@Marcmywords2
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
@AbbyHasIssues
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 36: Has one tiny little sip of water after 9 PM and has to get up and pee two times before 2 AM.
@bornmiserable
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
@CauseWereDads
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
@trustinvo
When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back