Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
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WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Bobby pin
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?