Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

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THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird


If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now


Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.


as a cashier in a pharmacy i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they’re paying i loudly ask them “Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?” and wink at them so they know to follow my lead


My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.


Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.


You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us


me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving


me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins


DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]