@ieatanddrink

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

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@hippieswordfish

THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird

@AnExocticBeach

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

@brennadine

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

@jazz_inmypants

as a cashier in a pharmacy i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they’re paying i loudly ask them “Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?” and wink at them so they know to follow my lead

@WilliamAder

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

@K_blue

Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.

@DillDoes

You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us

@_coryrichardson

me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving

[later]

me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins

@chuuew

DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]