@ieatanddrink
@hippieswordfish
THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird
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@hippieswordfish
@AnExocticBeach
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
@brennadine
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
@jazz_inmypants
as a cashier in a pharmacy i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they’re paying i loudly ask them “Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?” and wink at them so they know to follow my lead
@WilliamAder
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
@K_blue
Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.
@DillDoes
You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us
@_coryrichardson
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
[later]
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
@tweetsbyrocket
octupus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy
@chuuew
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]