“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
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Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
A short story about romance.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
mom had nothing to worry about