“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
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stop
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.