Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yup

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

don’t be scared

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

😉

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle