Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.