Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Kermit goes Blue.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.