Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
You Might Also Like
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.