Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
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I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.