Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

sin harder.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.