Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.