Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
You Might Also Like
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download