Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
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Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.