does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero