Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?