Does anyone know if I can use a lawnmower to get snow and ice off my driveway?
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Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Have kids, they said
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.