Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Boom, boom, ching!
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.