Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
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Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.