Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
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I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*