Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

I love texting my boyfriend

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*