Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Word.
~ Microsoft.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there