@McClaneJohn2

Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?

You Might Also Like

@AristotlesNZ

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike

@TheToddWilliams

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

@QwertyJones3

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

@jjmick45

I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA

@buttcrunchy

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

@ASpiker

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren’t we helping to find them?

@LuvPug

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

@mydmac

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good