Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
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Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Nice try, NASA
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Breaking news:
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.