Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
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Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
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Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
respect
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder