does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
You Might Also Like
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other