does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
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Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop