Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?