Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
😂🐈⬛
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!