Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet