Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

crying

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”