Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this