Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mmmm. Shoeshi

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

you’re damn right i have

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

my first dose meeting my second