Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Girl, same.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
how DARE
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
You deplete me
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.