COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
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“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Facebook memories be like
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years