Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
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why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.