Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years