Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
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Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Yes, but it was never about money
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Feels like the fourth month in January
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Teach your children to beatbox
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.