Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
let’s discuss
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My typo game is string.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
