Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
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I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.