Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
This is why I hate group projects
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Name this drama.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.