does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.