does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
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[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend