Does anything good ever escape from a lab
You Might Also Like
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn鈥檛 realise it鈥檚 Saturday morning
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I鈥檓 equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let鈥檚 go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Look, a pure bread cat!
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that鈥檚 simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I don鈥檛 think I will be asked to make a curry again 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.