Does anything good ever escape from a lab
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“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Bill is short for Billiam
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
The days of good grammer has went
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
🇺🇸🤭
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?