Does anything good ever escape from a lab
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boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.