*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
You Might Also Like
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
sailors wish they could swear like me
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Simple
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.