*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
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MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car