*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
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Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …