Does beer think about me too?
You Might Also Like
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Monday
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I like crazy people until they notice me
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.