Does beer think about me too?
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[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
The booster protects against what, now?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up