does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
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Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
im 7 sauces long
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.