does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
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Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?