More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
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*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.