@Los01001111

Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?

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@MomofTeen

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

@IGotsSmarts

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

@ThisOneSayz

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

@farahfergie

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

@TweetPotato314

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

@Eightinchgoat

Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.

@awesomeseank

Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.

@kieransofar

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

@Sarcasticsapien

Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking “Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?”