Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?

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The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.


If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one


Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.


The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems


wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working


Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.


Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.


date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman


Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking “Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?”