The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.
Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking “Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?”