almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
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got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
This will teach them to underestimate me
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*